When I see an old lady attempting to cross the road I always go over and offer my assistance…..even when I’ve been drinking for 12 hours. They’re always grateful at first until I take a dive in the middle of the street and take them down with me.
I’m going to stop waisting peoples time when I put donor on my drivers license. If they only knew the liver and other organs they’d be getting. The only thing I want to donate is my penis. I feel like I owe it to him. Is there anyway to put ‘penis only’ on my license?
Sometimes I wish I was a serial killer. I do. I wish I could without conscience kill people who annoy me. If I could, I would kill those who put bunny ears behind my head in a photo. When has that shit ever been funny? What chick has been like, ‘Oh, I wanna sleep with that hilarious son of a bitch that perfectly timed and position those bunny ears behind that unsuspecting grandma. What a comedic genius?’
If a loved one has given up and lost the reason to live, I find it best to get them hooked on a TV series. If you have a 90-year-old grampa that just wants to let go, buy him all the seasons of Lost on dvd. He’ll go to the light alright, that beautiful light we call a TELEVISON. Trust me, it’s cheaper than a funeral. You have a friend down on their luck and has lost hope, that’s the perfect time to get them 8 seasons of Curb Your Enthusiasm. No way he’ll pull the trigger not knowing if “The Blacks” will ever move out of Larry’s house. You’ll thank me.
Get the book.
